25 June 1975 - 12.01am
This is the weirdest and most surreal experience I have ever had. My physical pain has ended, I feel empty. A great sense of sadness and loss has replaced my physical agony. Commotion and urgency have left the room and a reluctant despair has entered. Someone in the room has just announced "time of death, 12.01am". This is so strange!
Annie, my wife and Jessica, my little girl are crying uncontrollably. I can hear Annie saying
"Why, David, why did you leave us?"
Jessica is calling out, "Daddy, Daddy don't leave me, I'm scared, I'm really scared"
I want to put my arms around her and comfort her, but I can't. My body wont react, it won't listen to me.
A Nurse comes into the room and whispers, "he's in a better place now, his pain is gone, its all over".
The nurse leaves the room. Annie, who is 8 months pregnant with our second child wipes the sweat from my brow with her hand. She puts her hand in mine, it feels so warm, I feel disjointed from this place. Jessica comes to me and kisses my cheek.
"I will always love you Daddy" she says. Her kiss fills my soul with love and regret.
Annie says "I will never forget the time we had, we should have had more, a lot more".
They make their way to the door. They both glance back and say "Goodnight".
The door closes behind them. Its so cold here, its isolated, I'm alone.
I have died, just minutes ago. I knew I would and so did they. Look what I have done, the despair I have left behind. Its because I smoked, isn't it. Cigarettes killed me in the end. I am 39 years of age, I had a whole lifetime ahead of me. I have a wife, a little girl who is 6 and a baby on the way. How could I leave them like this.
I still feel the kiss that Jessica gave me, its still warm, it left her energy. I feel drained and empty. I have lost everything. I have my memories, but what of the future, my wife, my children. How will I know they are ok.
My family are in so much pain, I feel it, I want to make it all ok for them but its too late. I had my chance and I blew it up in smoke.
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